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State of the Union (With Humor)

by Ouida on July 15, 2010


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I have not posted for almost 3 weeks.  I’ve been visiting and I’ve had a visitor.  That visitor was my mother.  It was wonderful to see her.  We spent several days in the Southern Colorado town of Durango, Colorado. I think it is one of my mom’s favorite places and I have a whole new appreciation for it.  Then my partner and I went to visit friends at a yurt in Northern Colorado.  Problem was that neither one of us checked a map before agreeing to the trip. The yurt was (and still is) in the northern part of the state about 35 miles from the Wyoming border, 600 miles from where I live.  Hummmmmmmm.  Bugs staked out the area well before we did.  I brought my fishing equipment and managed to catch some brook trout.  Most I threw back, but there was one that I felt good about keeping.  I pan-fried him in butter and spices.  We dragged slices of the baguette we brought through the pan drippings (because you always have a baguette on a camping trip).  My catch made for quite a tasty morsel.  He didn’t come cheap.  I was covered most of the time by bugs while I was fishing.  They seemed to really like my hands.  After a few hours on the stream, my left hand had swollen to 3 times normal size, my fingers were sausage like and the tips were cold.  I couldn’t make a fist. We left a full day early.  I am happy to report that I am much better, my hand is back to normal.

Why did we go?  Aside from the obvious: We made a commitment and decided to keep it.  As I get older, I have honestly realized that it is important to maintain life’s connections.  They are gifts and living things.  Like all living things they have to be nurtured.  There are people that I have lost track of over the years that I sorely miss and I am now scrambling to find.  So we drove 600 miles to maintain connections that are important to us and resolved to check a map next time.

Our trip was long and we made several stops along the way.  I was going to blog about our stops and the interpersonal encounters because they were downright scary.  I left those encounters feeling that as a nation we are in trouble and resolved to blog about them in detail, but my mother sent me some pretty darn funny e-mails that get the point across.

So here they are:

Clean can be funny..

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’
So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house..
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’
The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’
‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Just get out.’

********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.
‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

******************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, ‘I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.’
‘Thank God,’ said an elderly nun at the back. ‘I’m so tired of chardonnay..’

********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him.
‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

********************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

*******************************************

Notes from a DC Airport Ticket Agent

God Bless America !
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of ‘why’ our country is in trouble:

1.  I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2.  I got a call from a Kansas Congressman’s (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ..”

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ”

his response — click.

3.  A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, ‘don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!”

4.  I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ”Is it possible to see England from Canada ?”

I said, ”No.”

She said, ”But they look so close on the map.”

5.  An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh)

6.  An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky)  called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7.  A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’

He replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!”

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is “FAT” (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8.  A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?”

9.  I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ”How do I know which plane to get on?”

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10.  Senator Dianne Feinstein (D)
called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?”

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11. Mary Landrieu (D) LA Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China .  After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. ‘Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ”Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ”I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .”

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”

‘Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a rhino anywhere.”

”The man retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo , do you?”

The reply? ”Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED..

The interpersonal encounters

were similar to the notes from a DC ticket agent.  Mamma Mia!

Please comment.  What has become important to you as you have gotten older?

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